A model? Me?

Last November, I received a text from a friend, asking me whether or not I wanted to model for this
small magazine. We're talking about front cover here, people.

Knowing me, of course you people would know what I replied: YES!!

Then she told me to email her my photos. It would be submitted to her boss, who would determine whether I'd pass the second screening.

It's always been my dream to be a model.

Okay, fine. I'm a girl who dreams a lot.

To be a doctor, a writer, a fashion boutique owner, a model, Miss Universe, and the next president of the Philippines are only few of my "things to accomplish before I die" list.

Anyhoo, she told me that the reason why I got selected is because right after she had talked with her friend about 'business', they went shopping for models in her Facebook friends list. We were all thoroughly screened before being texted/informed regarding this opportunity. 

I felt the honor. I felt excitement. I felt that this was finally my chance- my chance to be a model.
I wanted this so badly.

I prayed. I prayed a lot. I told God that this was what I wanted. I told Him that He knew how much I wanted this.

I had my hopes set up real high.
I wanted this more than anything in this enitre freakin world!!

So after submitting some of my photos via email, I waited for 5 days- 5 painstakingly long days. 
I checked my email day and night, waiting for a reply.
Waiting for confirmation.
Confirmation that I could finally be given a chance to model. 
Confirmation that I could finally be given a chance to do what I want....

I guess it was a blessing in disguise - me being stressed out with school like hell last night.
A blessing because it helped me feel numb. All I could think of was my lack of sleep. And that's what I just needed last night- a feeling of numbness.

I stayed up late, and slept for an hour, then woke up the next hour, then slept again, then woke up again... It went on and on... I just HAD to finish my schoolworks.
I was so freakin tired and zombified when I received a text message late at night.
"Hi Hersh, Im sorry but the magazine wont be getting you as they decided to go with older looking girls. Hope youre doing okay. God bless!"

A train of thoughts went by inside my head.

I need sleep.....
This text is just a figment of my imagination. Of course I got accepted, I wanted this more than anyone....
I need sleep....
Why is the magazine not getting me?
I need sleep....
Oh, yeah.. because I'm not old-looking
I need sleep....
Me? Doing okay? uhm.. okay, let's go with that....
I need sleep....
I freakin need sleep...
I'm going to......sleep...

And boom. I fell asleep. 

I went to sleep because I didnt really know how to react.
Part of me KNEW I was going to be rejected, because I knew that a girl like me couldnt pass for anything - ESPECIALLY on the front cover of a magazine.
Part of me lingered on the thought that maybe this opportunity was meant for me. That maybe God wanted this for me.

This experience also made me realize how much I wanted this...for myself.

I was hurt.
I wasnt surprised.
My heart was stabbed.
No wait, my heart was numb that time.
I didnt expect any of this.
No wait, I did.
I hate myself.
I hate everyone.
The only thing I love is my bed- where I could sleep all night.

I woke up around 4 am.
I didnt want to check my phone anymore.
I still hoped that I was just dreaming about the text. That maybe none of these were true.

And right now, I just checked my phone.
And the text message was true enough.

I failed.

I dont know what to do anymore.

I constantly remind myself that when an opportunity closes, another opens.

I just pray that God would help me realize to have Faith in Him.

Maybe He's planning something else for me- a much bigger plan.

A plan too big that I couldnt even imagine of.

I constantly remind myself that while I just see what's happening to me presently, GOD SEES THE BIGGER FUTURE.

Who knows? Maybe modeling isnt really for me.
And who knows? Maybe modeling IS really for me.

I'll just wait for the future.
Study hard.
Work hard.
Be happy.

And wait for another text message.
A text message that could neutralize everything I'm feeling right now. 

Or better yet, wait for another door to open.