"She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. But she's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find 'The One'. You know, the one you keep in the meantime." --Anonymous
Photo by Pauline Disuanco of 31 Girl
The dating game is complicated.
You spend time with a person and you tell yourself you won't get attached because you're just 'hanging out'.
You talk at night, go out for dinner, go to the movies, share inside jokes, and you tell yourself that everything's fine and everything's casual, but then as time passes by, you find yourself tearing your walls down and letting him in, and then in a blink of an eye you realize that, crap, you do like him, but you're not supposed to, and he's not supposed to know, because, again, you're just "hanging out".
And then you pretend like nothing's up, that you're fine and cool and chill,
and you both continue playing the game,
because they say love is one, after all.
But you're not supposed to assume, or jump into conclusions, or take things as you see it. Because everything is all just for fun and no, he doesn't like you that way. So stop.
"This is just how it's supposed to go", I thought.
"I'm okay with this."
Until slowly, eventually, I was left feeling empty and searching for things that weren't even there. I was willingly exposing the deepest parts of myself for nothing. I was getting involved and attached, for nothing.
And I don't even know why I had to put myself in this situation. I didn't have to, and I don't even have to.
I'm not okay with this, after all.
I don't want to be the girl you text at 2AM when you're bored or drunk;
I want to be your 7AM good morning, your 1PM-tell-me-what-you've-had-for-lunch, your 6PM-you-wouldn't-believe-what-happened-today.
I want to talk to you about your dreams, your passions, the things that inspire you or make you happy or tick you off or keep you awake at night. I want to know you, the real you behind that calm and composed and mysterious facade of yours.
I don't want to be the girl you run to /just/ when you're sad or lonely or confused;
I want to be the girl you'd like to spend boring days with, doing nothing but eat Chinese takeout or sweet and spicy instant noodles over movies or video games or board games, even.
I don't want anymore of those empty kisses that leave me feeling loved and wanted, but only for a night;
I long for assuring warm, tight hugs that glue together all of my broken pieces and promise better days ahead.
But we're just not on the same page.
Because at the end of it all, you don't see me as anything else but someone to keep you company while you're in this phase of fooling around and doing crazy things so you can discover yourself and explore the world and know what you really want, until you realize you're finally ready to get serious and look for the 'right girl'.
But I won't ever be her, because it's obvious that I'm just your meantime girl.
It's time I realize my worth, and for mercy's sake, I am far worth more than this.
We are far worth more than this.
Darling, it doesn't have to be this way.
If the dating game isn't for you, then it's okay. It's not everyone's cup of tea, anyway.
Don't stick around with people who make you feel sorry for things you shouldn't be.
You need someone who won't make you feel guilty for texting first; someone constant; someone who shows his/her appreciation for you not with grand gestures, but with the everyday, boring, little things. Trust me, they're the most sincere ones.
Know your worth, and never compromise with your non-negotiables.