Have you ever been overwhelmed with so much workload, that all you can do is stare into nothingness and feel paralyzed? No, it's not an exaggeration. Work paralysis is a real thing, you guys, and it can get pretty depressing.
I've been sleeping no earlier than 4:00 AM the past few nights, trying my best to juggle 4 jobs. As I write this, I still have 7 pending articles due for submission before sunrise. I have around 10 more packages to shoot, around 30+ e-mails to read (and *actually* have to reply to), and a dozen more people to meet up with for work. My list of things to do can go on and on, and while I'm incredibly grateful for work, I can't help but feel exhausted.
I've been feeling unhappy—not just about work, but about myself. Multi-tasking has its own disadvantages, and it has greatly affected my performance. I've been feeling frustrated because I haven't been happy with my outputs the past few weeks. There's nothing more I hate than sending in half-baked work and knowing I can do better. Three days ago, I finally opened up on Instagram about struggling with perfectionism, and God knows how this week has taken a toll on me.
But after hours of reflecting, trying to find out why I've been feeling so sad and tired, I finally got to pinpoint the root cause of all this sobbing in bed, and it's as simple as this—
I haven't been saying 'no' more often.
I grew up being a 'yes' girl
A people-pleaser. A person you can always count on, even at the last minute (or at least I try to be one).
"Hey Hersh, can you go to this event?"
"Can you work on this for me?"
"Are you up for this?"
While that's not necessarily a bad thing, saying 'yes' to every. single. opportunity. that knocks on your door still isn't healthy.
Because sometimes, a 'yes' to something can also mean a 'no' to more important things in life.
Case in point—I said yes to a lot of work due this week (#RaketIsLife pa more!!), so I eventually ended up saying no to taking care of myself (I haven't been eating right and sleeping right), and even to making time for the people I love (I had to turn down dinner dates with friends and family just so I can finish all the freelance work I had already signed up for).
And because I've already made a commitment before even weighing things out, I don't have time for the things that really matter to me. Instead of consistently writing for my blog (something I've always wanted to do but don't have time for), or researching on which grad school to go to next year (whatever happened to, "I'll do this tonight when I get home, promise!"?), or Googling opportunities I can possibly grab to spend a year or two in my ultimate dream city, New York (this has been on my to-do list for two years now), or even resting, all I do in my free time is work, work, work (and occasionally go on bathroom breaks in between).
So yes, there we have it—The Curious Case on Why I've Been Feeling Shitty All Week Long has been S-O-L-V-E-D!
But we all know that identifying the problem is one thing, but actually working on it is another.
Next month, I'll start with a blank slate and vow to get my priorities straight. More importantly, I promise to finally have the courage to say 'no' to certain opportunities, so that I can say 'yes' to far greater things, to things that really matter.
I woke up this rainy morning to a WhatsApp message that said,
I didn't know work suspensions were a thing, but nonetheless, I was incredibly grateful. I went to bed at 5AM the last night, and was already feeling terrible the moment I woke up. I eventually devoted the whole day to resting and to catching up with my backlogs!
Thank you, universe, for this unexpected gift. Rest was what I really needed.
Naligo ako today, promise.
PS. Stay safe and dry, everyone!